American Horror Story: Coven ‘Boy Parts’ Recap: Landslides and Sabrina the Teenage Cracker

Madison helps Zoe put the pieces of her life/boyfriend back together while Fiona comes face to face with the woman who holds the key to eternal life…

When last we left our witches of bitchwick, a bus was flipped, some gang raping frat boys were dead and the one left alive got a not so nice visit from the angel of death via her black widow hoo-hah. Fiona the Supreme is looking for a fountain of youth and so she digs up a nearly 200 year old slave torturer, who was buried alive as torment for a life making other suffer.

We pick up this week in the aftermath of the bus crash with one of our witches feeling guilty, another not so much, and Madame LaLaurie trying to find her way in the 21st century not to mention a big ass bull rearing its ugly head.

Cops Come Calling

Last week’s fiery bus crash comes back to haunt our newest witches when the cops drop by the posh school to pay a visit to Zoe and Madison after they were spotted at the party by several students. The cops also have a photo of Zoe visiting the boys at the hospital and moments after she drops by one of them dies in the same manner that a boy in her hometown dropped dead months earlier. That’s enough for Zoe to break down and confess everything. Luckily, Fiona is around and can cast her ‘memory-be-gone’ spell on the unsuspecting police officers while asking them to hand over any evidence they have on the case.

Fiona’s none too happy with her pair of witches who couldn’t stand up to the cops.

“I couldn’t toast a piece of bread with the heat they were putting on you,” Fiona says to the pair.

There was also a random flashback during this episode of Queenie explaining her former employment at a fried chicken joint where she got revenge on an angry customer by sticking her arm in a vat of boiling grease, thus burning his arm up something fierce. It was a pretty inconsequential scene in the big picture, but it was funny to hear Queenie talk about her earliest memories of witches being ‘Charmed and Sabrina the Teenage Cracker’. That line couldn’t go unnoticed.One thing that always bothers me about TV show romances is how after one glance and a conversation, people are in love. Zoe spent about 15 minutes with Kyle last week but somehow she’s over the moon and head over heels in love with the kid and immediately begins mourning him when she realizes he’s dead.

Oh To Be Young and In Love

One thing that always bothers me about TV show romances is how after one glance and a conversation, people are in love.  Zoe spent about 15 minutes with Kyle last week but somehow she’s over the moon and head over heels in love with the kid and immediately begins mourning him when she realizes he’s dead. 

Madison feeling a little bad about snuffing out Zoe’s love interest decides to help bring him back to life with a resurrection spell she stole from head mistress Cordelia.

“I’m sorry I killed your boy candy. But considering your black widow status, he was living on borrowed time anyway.” (Doesn’t exactly scream sorrow but that’s just Madison)

So Zoe and Madison head to the local morgue to find Kyle — but he’s already been chopped up into several pieces. Madison gets the bright idea to sew him together with the best boy parts (thus the title of the episode) and make him the perfect boyfriend.  A chant and spell later and Kyle isn’t hopping to, but the morgue worker is about to walk in so Madison splits leaving Zoe to deal with the fallout.

Just when it looks like Zoe is busted, Kyle wakes up all Frankenstein like and takes care of the guard. During their escape from the morgue, Lily Rab’s Misty Day pops up in the backseat of the car after being summoned to help resurrect Kyle from his undead state.  Misty was the girl turned into a crispy critter last episode after she was branded a witch, but she’s back and better than ever. Before popping in to save Kyle from death, she took care of some alligator poachers who were killing the scaly creatures in her backyard swamp.

You kind of get the feeling that Misty is going to have a very interesting part in how this season plays out.

Variations of Adaptation

Madame LaLaurie got dug up last week after spending more than a century buried underground as punishment by Marie Laveau for all of the torture and torment she bestowed upon the slaves she kept — one of which ended up wearing a bull head playing a real life minotaur who also just happened to be Marie’s loved one. Before she got buried alive, Madame LaLaurie had to witness the dead bodies of her husband and daughters hanging outside her house courtesy of Ms. Laveau and her punishment was the fact that she could never die and would have to live forever buried beneath the earth left only with awful memories to comfort her each minute of every day.

Now that she’s out of the box, LaLaurie is just overwrought with visions of her dead family and the unrelenting torture she just suffered. Her thoughts are so loud that Nan can’t take it anymore and kicks her out of the house. When she pops up next it’s at her own house, which is now a tourist attraction in New Orleans and that’s when Fiona finds her. Fiona knows that Madame LaLaurie’s options are very limited, so after a brief chat she leads her back to the school where she will be her willing subject.

Meanwhile after learning that Marie Laveau was responsible for LaLaurie’s infinite life, Fiona decides to pay her a visit. Turns out Marie is also eternal, has survived over a hundred years, adapted with the times and now runs a hair shop called Cornrow City — yes, that’s what it’s called.

The back and forth between Fiona and Laveau is the stuff Emmys are made of, and Jessica Lange and Angela Bassett kill it in this scene. The two witches banter back and forth with insults while sizing each other up to see exactly what the other is about. It ends with a fiery outburst from Fiona, leaving Marie to wonder what she’s up against. Fiona desperately wants the charm Marie possesses for eternal life, but she struggles with the whole ‘people person’ thing and she’s not killing this voodoo queen with kindness.

Don’t worry, she’s got back up because as it turns out the minotaur we saw hundreds of years ago? Yeah, he’s still a minotaur, he’s still very much alive, and Marie has been keeping him safe and secure all this time. She is in love after all!

Every Season Has a Baby

Cordelia and her husband (played by the guy who was the lead in the summer alien haunting flick Dark Skies) are desperate to have a baby the old fashioned way — with tons of fertility drugs! Turns out Cordelia is struggling to conceive but she’s a witch unlike her mother — she doesn’t want to use her powers very often if ever and the last thing she wants to do is conjure up a baby.

Well as it turns out good old American medical science isn’t working, so it takes Cordelia about two seconds to decide magic is the way to go to make sure she and hubby get a bun in the oven.

If you’ve heard this story before that just means you’ve been watching American Horror Story for the past three seasons. Season one had an evil baby that popped out Rosemary Baby’s style (we assume he’s the devil). Season two had some evil rape turn into a kid being born, eventually turning into a serial killer like dear old dad, and eventually stalks his mother down after being given up for adoption when he was born. So season three looks like it will have another wicked birth

Spoiler alert — show creator Ryan Murphy tells EW.com that the baby storyline won’t go much further than episode three next week. He realizes they’ve done the evil baby thing a couple of times already as well and they won’t drag that out any longer than necessary.

Nicks as in Stevie Nicks!

The Fleetwood Mac singer turned solo artist took center stage this week courtesy of Misty Day, who called her the ‘white witch’ while playing some tunes from Ms. Nicks for Zoe and explaining how essential she was to the entire witch movement. It was very cool to hear ‘Edge of Seventeen’ play in the episode and it turns out that Misty is one big homage to Stevie Nicks from her hair to her demeanor to her moves during the witching hour.

After going on a Patrick Bateman-esque speech extolling Stevie Nicks’ virtues, Misty promises Zoe to take care of Franken-Kyle and nurse him back to health. He’s still pretty wacked out from being brought back from the dead and can’t speak, he can only mumble and grunt in a very Hulk like manner.

And there you have it folks this week’s episode of American Horror Story: COVEN in our own special way of presenting the recap. Come back next week for the new episode that debuts on Wednesday night on FX at 10pm ET/PT.